"If the stars should appear but one night every thousand years, how man would marvel and stare." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

For a long time, it seemed like I could only create an identity for myself by classifying my traits into what I didn't want to be.

I didn't want to be left out.
I didn't want to be ugly.
I didn't want to be shy.
I didn't want to be a cookie-cutter version of someone else.
I didn't want to be a "Jewish-American Princess."
I didn't want to be vulnerable.
I didn't want to be alone.

Some traits were eliminated to please society. Others, for my family, my friends. Others... (those most essential)... to protect myself from getting hurt again.

But it's like trying to identify constellations by comparing dots on a chart to a sky-full of uncharted stars so that seeing the constellations, mentally connecting the dots the chart said to connect, was more of a matter of not seeing than seeing-- of ignoring patterns that the makers of star charts said were not there in order to see the ones they claimed were.

So now I choose build my identity on who I do want to be.

I want to be strong.
I want to be balanced.
I want to be passionate.
I want to be adventurous.
I want to be flexible.
I want to be open.
I want to be ambitious.
I want to be witty.
I want to be self-confident.
I want to be alive.

Time to make my own patterns. And, when I'm strong enough, stop looking for patterns entirely and allow the night sky to simply be what it is. That's harder than you'd think... learning to let things be only what they are.

http://www.nightskyphotography.com/

I finally feel like I'm beginning to find myself.

Just so you know, I felt all of that... the week at the lake house. Every positive identifier.

I felt more alive than I ever have before.